Te extraño, Javier

Tues. January 6, 2009 11:24 pm

Mi madre just called me into the house before I took my shower and made me play the ukelele for her husband, sister, and brother-in-law. They thought it was too cute ("Que bonita!"). It felt like all those times where older people call me in to entertain them, but I'm here in Mérida, MX. I guess old people are the same the world-over...

The past two days have been very hectic. Today we had orientation, complete with a placement exam, lecture, and group activity, for 10 hours. 8am-6pm. Tomorrow, gracias por Dios, it will start at 9am. Monday was the first day, and was exciting. Today was new and special too. But tomorrow I am not looking forward to starting the grind again. I don't get too much time to myself here, only at night and at my expense, like right now. Some very important things have happened though:

I have wireless fucking internet. Holy shnazzle I don't even have that at home. Or at school!! I am in cyber heaven. Keeping in constant contact with friends from home will be a curse and a blessing though, I know. It's nice to feel so close to people so far away, but it also detracts from your present life here. I don't want to want to be somewhere else.

It doesn't feel like I've only been here for three days. It feels like a week or longer. My relationships with people are slowly growing. Mi madre is so nice and understanding, and it definitely is a comfort knowing that she's on my side. She is there for me, and she tries to get me talking more by asking me questions. Before, I would answer as shortly as possible, but now I see that the questions are cues she's using to get me to open up a bit more. So I try to oblige.

My relationships with new friends are not really growing, but widening. I am still meeting the people in my program and getting to know a few better than others. It is true that there are some people who I've already slightly judged for the worse. Some seem kind of superficial, others more introverted and sensitive. There are four guys and maybe twenty girls? So it's slim pickings for everyone. I think I'm trying too hard to find a kindred spirit. I typecast myself as the hippie/indie/theatrical loco person. I'm really not (right?), but I find that if I don't define myself like that, there's nothing special about me. I need to feel different. I am so afraid of being run-of-the-mill. I search for interesting people to bring interesting things into my life, but what I don't realize is that everyone has something interesting about them. Everyone is special. Simple things they tell you in kindergarten, but none ever stick. I think that's why they try so hard.

Truth is, I miss Javier with a passion. I want to see him, I want to touch him, I want to play with him in that special way that makes him croon with beautiful sound. Hahaha, it's not even not playing that hurts, but rather not being able to play. Mi madre has a guitar that she brought to me, but it's totally busted. The neck is bent and twisted. The strings don't lay flat and it's impossible to play. I have the ukelele that Mary gave me for Christmas, and oh my Allah it has saved my life so far. I'm really looking for a kindred spirit with some musical inclination to play with me. I want to take my ukelele out on the streets of Mérida and busk for pesos. It would be fun (as I won't be depending on the income), and most people here haven't seen a ukelele before. I guess tourists would be the people most likely to give moneys, and hey, I'm a familiar American like you. Give me pesos? *Sigh* I want to play so badly. I have so much angst and feeling inside me these days, as they are full of change and busy movement. But alas, sólo tengo mi harmonica y mi ukelele. Y mi voz también. sigh... >_>

I want to start having fun. I'm not having fun yet... But it's only the third day, I must remind myself. Third out of 180 or so. Oh my.

Goodnight my heart. I love you above all others.
-Ashley