Finally! Some Developed Thoughts.

Mon. April 13, 2009 1:06 am

These weeks have been so strange. I'm going through mini-phases. I wrote the previous entry on the bus and I was a mixture of deleriously happy and sad (because I would be leaving it). But then I got home and Ezer called me and a storm of complaining and frustration stormed me. I don't know what happened, but I've been very emotional these past few weeks. I cry a lot actually. And seeing this from a distanced point of view, I am amazed at how often I cry here. One would think I'm unhappy...

At times, yes, I am. Huh. What a strange idea. I'm never unhappy. I'm always happy to be where I am, figuratively and literally. But yes, at times I do not want to be here. Let's not mask it and say that it was a bundle of excitement and joy in Mexico. There's a lot on my mind here. More stuff than usual for a semester. Being away from home is a difficult thing. I haven't written in so long, but I guess I've been this way for a while. Even a month. Months go by so quickly. Just four short, stress filled weeks and it's time to erase a tick mark on the time I have left. It scares me every day. That's why I'm so stressed. The looming. Before I was able to hold it back. It's not overwhelming me right now, but once May begins, oh God. I'm crying already. I'm unhappy already in anticipation of unhappiness in the future.

Add to that homework that is impossible. Just impossible. The lack of comprehension and ambition is killing my grades, I think.

Add to that the trips my family and friends are making to visit me. There is no easier way to stress out when they are depending on you for EVERYTHING. Renee and Kolin are fine, as it's the first time and I'm excited to show them my life here. It's entirely weird, but I feel good showing off how much I've learned in four short months. But Renee told me just a few days ago (yesterday?!?) that the Parents have planned a trip to visit me WITHOUT TELLING ME. They always said "Yea we want to come," but never "We are coming on this date to this date." How fucking crazy is that? Because I am the one who has to babysit them, who has to arrange her schedule to accommodate them, who has to cancel her plans for her FUCKING TWENTIETH BIRTHDAY for them!!!! THIS IS REFUCKINGDICULOUS!!!

There is too much on my mind. I don't miss very much in the States except the comfort I feel there (as it's my native country) and the order our shit has. (Ohhh order. How I miss thee.) I don't miss the people very much. I need to put it out of my mind because we're going to Dzibichaltun tomorrow and I need to wake up early. Fuck. Stress.

Oh yea. I didn't tell you that the Padres are coming the day that Renee and Kolin leave. =| Are you fucking with me? This is ridiculous. I have classes then. AND IT'S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY. RefuckingDICULOUS!

I'm so tired of being angry and depressed and stressed and sad. I do look forward to going home and leaving the lost emotions behind.

It must be the hormones,
Ashley Aisyah Hamel