"Longing." Why not? I'm running out of title ideas.

Mon. March 30, 2009 7:48 am

What I wouldn't give for a real coffee right about now...


Later:

The minutes go by faster than I can count them
Uno dos tres cuarenta se van
The fear and the need hold me together

Crepas al Rescate!!

Fri. March 27, 2009 12:35 am

Today when Ezer and I were at Plaza Fiesta, I said I would buy him a crepe. The look he gave me! It was like I had told him I was secretly a man or something. It was surprise, anger and embarrassment in one! "Oy, qué pasó??" Oh shit, I knew.

We got our crepes and sat down on a bench and he told me about Mexican culture. He said he felt bad because he felt really feminine (to which I replied "HEY! Feeling feminine is not a bad thing!"). But I was confused because I had bought him stuff before. I just never said anything in advance, like "I'm going to pay for your food!" Actually...it may just be that I sometimes pay for myself....hmmm I'm not sure now.

ANYWAY, I told him it wasn't right because I'm always like "let's go to the zoo let's go to this restaurant let's buy ice cream!!!" and he doesn't really have a choice. He has to pay for things he may not even want. And he's just a student; he doesn't have a job. And I'm a rich American who is baby fed by her parents. So put your Mexian machismo away and let me take care of you for once.

But no, I'm not going to cook for you.

-Ashley

(The crepas were banging. He had cream cheese (filadelfia) and nutella. I had cream cheese and strawberry jam. I have discovered a new love. Oh my Allah thank you for crepas.)

Wow. March is Hard.

Wed. March 25, 2009 8:43 am

The "honeymoon phase" is over. I'm so tired. At times, I hate Mexico. It's been different these past few days. Weeks? The things that annoyed me before piss me off and frustrate me speechless now. A few days ago, I was sitting in the kitchen all alone, eating cereal AGAIN bc I have to fend for myself, with the weight of an upcoming separation from Someone and a large, unprepared essay. I haven't been that sad in a while. How pitiful I looked, all alone all the time, living by myself with no close ones to tell my woes to. All are so far away from me. I don't have anyone. I am so alone.


12:22 am

I haven't written in the past few days. It is because I haven't wanted to. I've been in a down state lately. I have no motivation, no desire to do anything productive. I don't even want to be writing this. I wrote a little bit in Migrations class as I attempted to stay awake. After that class, I discovered that Yucatan was cancelled. What a stroke of good luck. I didn't even recognize it as luck at the time, simply accepted that fact, felt a little relief, then moved on. I just don't care.

A PickMeUp and a TripUp

Wed. March 18, 2009 9:00 am

Marzo is almost over. :( I got a guitar last night. I finally met my other neighbor, but I already 4got her name. She's really cool and we got along instantly. She gave me 2 things: her boyfriend's guitar, and Hope. She met a guy from another exchange program like mine last semester. He lives in NYC. They dated and are still dating now. She told me how horrible it was trying to maintain it and being so far away. She went to visit him in January. He's coming again in April. And even though it sucks, they're doing it. Perhaps it's not as scary after all.


11:13 am In Yucatan class

I just left class a few minutes ago to go cry outside. Self-pitying tears. I absolutely HATE this class.

It started at the beginning when I discovered that we had an essay due for today about the works of a certain author we had to choose. Ok. It has 2 be 7-10 pages. Fuck. My. Life. So, even though I haven't had/attended this class in 2 weeks, I was not happy 2 be here. I sat by myself in the back and sulked.

Then we started to read some text that we were supposed to read but nobody did. There were paragraphs of thoughts that did not have any punctuation. Are you fucking shitting me?!? I understood/recognized an average of 5 words each sentence (the ones that weren't "thoughts", that is). This was just great. Way to rub it in my face that I can't read or understand Spanish. I was getting more and more frustrated and so I finally wrote a note to the students around me whose text I was sharing (fuck no I'm not gonna print that shit out 4 myself!), "I don't have a sufficient vocabulary to read this. I'm going to buy food. FUCK!" And I got up and left. I surprised myself at how emotional I was getting so I sat down and cried. Pity tears. Frustrated and fed up.

I suppose this is just a hurdle, a stepping stone on my journey through cultures and languages here. A trip-up as I transition. But it sucks. It sucks feeling worthless, fallible, insufficient. I've come so far, I know that and I'm proud of it. But things like this happen and I want 2 go back 2 UConn where I can read and learn from texts and read novels for class. I have never read a book in Spanish. Nothing could prepare me for these eloquent, fancy-pants words other than years of study. I feel so worthless... :s

I bought a huge pack of Chokis and comforted myself in their chocolaty goodness.

I just wanna go home and eat, sleep, cuddle, and play Neopets. I just wanna go homee (Mexico home, of course).

Holbox

Mon. March 16, 2009 11:15 pm

Real quick. I went to Holbox this weekend and it was very nice. A beautiful island and experience. So much natural beauty everywhere I go.

We left at 11 pm on Friday from Mérida and it took 6 hours to get to a tiny pueblo called Chiquila. It was damn cold in the bus and I didn't sleep well. We met the sun coming up as we crossed over the sea on a ferry to the island. Found a hotel for 100 pesos a night and crashed. Breakfast at 8 and got Huevos Rancheros, tortilla, runny fried eggs, and salsa with a side of beans. We slept, then went to the beach I think. They had lunch later that day, but I couldn't handle it. My stomach was going nuts again and I could barely concentrate, let alone eat something. So I reluctantly went back, showered, and slept. That was nice, except it seemed to be the running theme of my time in Holbox. I hope this stomach thing goes away soon because it's really ruining priceless times for me. >:(

We went out for pizza that night and I split pretty good lobster and shrimp pizza. They charged us for a whole lobster pizza and I was pissed. I only brought the equivalent of $65 with me. That was all that was in my account. I'm flat ass broke. I managed to make it, but I owe Megan P$100 still. So I guess overall it was a pretty darn cheap mini vacation. US$75 is grand, huh? Nevertheless, I feel like I'm spending soo much money. It's just slipping through my fingers.

The next day they went to breakfast but I didn't go because I was nearly broke, wasn't hungry, and didn't want to fuck up my time by feeling shitty. Laurie and I went to the beach and I got brown. Again, mostly just tranquil times. The beach was more nasty this day, as there were more plants and it was kind of gross. It was windy too, so the sand got attached to your skin as soon as you sat down. Laurie and I made sand castles. I made a Mayan pyramid and it was fabulous.

Lunch was almost at the pizza place again, even though they gave our food to us an hour later. But Gustavo was angry at the service so we went to a cocina economica and my Bratz purse and I were pleased with that decision. Slept again, maybe. I don't know. In the late afternoon we went to watch the sunset again and I bought the BEST peanut ice cream I will ever have. I just want peanut butter ice cream, you know? Not Reese's or some other shit. This even had little pieces of peanuts in it, so it was like crunchy peanut butter ice cream. BANGIN.The sunset was also nicer the day before. It hid behind some clouds that were just above the horizon this day, so it was like it set earlier than it was supposed to. But still, with the water and the cool not-rock-sand-but-crushed-seashells sand, it was divine.

Megan had found a good place for some booze, so they went to a bar down the beach and got some drinks. We were on our way back from the bar when we saw a screen and heard some awful singing. KARAOKE!!! Immediately we were there. There was only one table of friends singing away to all the classics that Gustavo knew. They ordered whiskey and beer, and I had grape juice. Hahaha. The waiter saw us singing (pretending to sing) and gave us the list of songs. I sought out my song and IT WAS THERE. Soon the guy asked us if we wanted to sing, and of course I did. So they put on my song and I sang it as they tried to adjust the volume so ppl could hear me. After I was done, they clapped their hands and said "Otra, Otra!!" so I did it again. Hahaha, it was all very nice and it made me feel like a superstar. I got up and started dancing and running around like a schmuck, lol. It was my moment underneath the stars. That song gives me success, my madre said. It is so true. I sing it everywhere.

We went back and I got lazy and drowzy. They were talking outside on the bench, but I wanted nothing more than to sit down and talk to Ezer. But we didn't have enough credit. I missed him terribly this weekend.

We woke up this morning at 3:30 so we could grab the first ferry back so we could grab the first (and ONLY) bus back to Mérida at 5:30. Poops. But we slept on the bus and it was ok. It is bitchass hot right now though in Mérida. I expect to sleep like a baby. Mmmmm...

-Ashley